a pantilla crumb of faith
today i attempted to make fluffy japanese pancakes (pancakes have been on the mind, what can i say?). i followed the recipe to the chatgpT. but what i ended up making was definitely not pancakes. i think the problem was i didn’t add enough eggs, or maybe the pan was too hot, and anyhow they came out very dry and ugly-duckling looking. i guess i should have asked the artificial intelligence to help me cook bolt broth stew.
in the moment, i felt quite disappointed in myself. it’s always painful when you put a lot of effort into something, only to see it turn into a complete disaster. but you know, disaster’s really another word for “unexpected twist of fate,” which makes it sound a lot cooler if you choose to see it that way. by the way, the word disaster really means “bad star” in old greek, reflecting an ancient belief that ill fortune was caused by the unfavorable alignment of celestial bodies. was it you, 3I/ATLAS!!?‽
what i ended up making was certainly edible, but it didn’t taste a thing like pancakes. they were a lot more like thick tortillas. it occurs to me that tortillas and pancakes are actually quite similar — both cousins in the flouricus kindredus family. i guess you could call what i made a pantilla, which funnily enough means sideburn in spanish. so anyway, as i nibbled on and twirled my pantillas fretfully, the thought came to me — i am here also — and i was at peace once again.
the experience reminded me of paramhansa ramakrishna’s parable about the monkey baby and the cat baby. the tale goes like this: a monkey baby holds on to its mother tightly when she swings from branch to branch, tree to tree. but the monkey baby can only hold on for the amount of strength it has, and sometimes it loses its grip and falls. the cat baby is not like that. a kitten cannot hold on tightly, but it meows from its place, and the mother cat knows what it wants. she lifts her baby by its neck with love and carries it from place to place. the mother holds the baby cat.
we really have either two choices in the face of the divine: either to try and control it or surrender to it. do you cling to life and suffer when things don’t go your way? or do you let life carry you, trusting that whatever life has in store is just what you need?
surrender’s easy if you have a pantilla crumb of faith (did you see it?? i did the thing!!! so proud of myself). but we think things need to go a certain way as if it were a matter of life or death. we get caught up in the what-ifs, the excuses, the past regrets and the blee-blee-bloo-bloo-bla-blas that prevent us from living fully. i say, enough of that. i choose to be a cat baby. life can be so easy when we renounce our fear and expectation, our quiffs and our quabbles, and follow the wisdom of our inner heart fearlessly. in fact, it’s not so much following as it is a mutual trust fall exercise, understanding that big you (the true self behind all things) knows better than little i (the ego self, the body/mind complex).
which reminds me of a favorite song of mine, “you know better than i,” by john bucchino. funny how there are so many songwriters named john, ey? in my opinion, a truly great song has to move your heart, mind, and soul, capture the micro and the macrocosm at once, and lead you back to yourself. or something like that. well, whatever a great song is, i’d say bucchino has written a great many great ones.
for you know better than i
you know the way
i’ve let go the need to know why
for you know better than i
can you really say it simpler than that? i first heard the song when i was a kid, watching “joseph: king of dreams.” it can still move me to tears, to this day. there’s something tender about the whole thing, not to mention the story of joseph and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat. i know a lot of changes are coming, some easier or harder to bear than others, but to this i surrender unceasingly — in the life everlasting and the love eternally luminous. even the mess, too, is blessed.
so be blessed, baby cats. go out and shine your light. i believe in you.
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