just between you and me
⚠️ scorsby sez: what you are about to read may look like a conversation between two people, but don’t be fooled. “you” and “me” are costumes worn by the same voice, “i”. if at any point you feel the floor give way, don’t panic — that’s just the mirror folding. breathe easy, keep your arms and legs inside the page, and remember: we are here, we are here, we are here.
me: hello.
you: hello.
me: how are you?
you: good. how about you?
me: i’m good. thank you.
me: what’s your name?
you: me.
me: the name’s you. girl or boy?
you: both, neither.
me: it can’t possibly be both. what are you?
you: what does it matter? right now we’re just pixelated text, glowing on your screen.
me: true. but who knows.
you: who knows? maybe we strike a beautiful conversation. maybe we long to be closer.
me: i would start philosophizing here.
you: then tell me — would you turn me away if i had this body, or that one?
me: everybody’s looking for something.
you: i’m not. for me this is just a practice. a practice in being.
me: so what are you practicing for?
you: oh, nothing. everything. it’s all a beautiful dream to me.
me: so what are you doing here then? being social? waxing poetic? committing linguistic terrorism? just looking for something to read on www.scorsby.us?
you: this is an opportunity to spread love. to deepen my self-awareness. a moment to cherish.
me: same here.
you: then lovely. we’re on the same webpage.
me: i guess we are.
you: do you ever feel lonely? like something’s missing?
me: sometimes, yeah.
you: and you think someone else can fix it?
me: i can’t really convince myself that any one will solve it… nah. people can be such pain, headaches. but i don’t hate them.
you: i think people are extraordinary, but i don’t think anyone can cure loneliness. no matter who. it’s too much to expect of one person. it’s happened to me too — i get attached, i think “everything will work out”, but it never really fixes the core issue.
me: i don’t expect it will either, but i try to achieve things and not give up on myself. if i get any result i’m grateful.
you: i’m grateful no matter what happens. even if nothing happens. but i do feel a craving to reach out. to understand. to be understood. to comfort and contend. i think it’s a natural desire for belonging.
me: natural desire.
you: to be united. to dissolve into shared beingness.
me: instinct?
you: trajectory. maybe even destiny.
me: i like reading your thoughts.
you: i like reading our thoughts too.
you: me know, soon we’ll see i for what you really is — consciousness not as separate, but as one. eventually we’ll identify as a global i. and even beyond that, a galactic i, a universal i.
me: o. that’s deep. i like it.
you: well thank u. that’s what i strive for anyway. connecting the scattered dots of the individual “i” into a shared “we.”
me: you’ve got an open mind, you.
you: so do you, me.
me: so if we dissolve separateness, then “you” can’t really be hurt. only a separate self suffers.
you: sometimes i think of myself as the one and only.
me: yeah. but it’s easier here — we’re just words to be read, not bodies. it’s harder for me to dissolve the body-barrier.
you: why so?
me: maybe ego. maybe the way i was raised. seeing strangers as inherently dangerous.
you: rough childhood?
me: i wouldn’t say rough, but strict. controlled in some ways. not much emphasis on being vulnerable with others.
you: so you had to confront the “real world” later.
me: yes. if by “real world” you mean that dense, “postscarcitysurvivatastrophe dimension”. and i’m still confronting it. and it’s painful. because when you see your relationship to others as something to protect yourself against, you don’t let in the laughter, the joy, the contact.
you: sometimes i just wanna be alone. because i feel like i’ll hurt someone unintentionally. and then i get hit by “reality”, and nothing i try works.
me: i feel that too. a kind of protection mechanism. for me it’s like self-e-facing barriers.
you: barriers?
me: yeah. walls i build against contact. against expanding. but they’re imaginary. not really there. like sia and shia in that one music video.
you: true. i guess i have them too.
me: we all do. otherwise we’d be past language, past eyes, past mouths — outside the body altogether, in the no-body nowhere. maybe we already are.
you: not being true to “yourself” for others doesn’t feel fair or right.
me: stopping myself from melting into “others” doesn’t feel fair or right.
you: true.
me: to melt and yet be one.
you: to allow the full range of interaction — physical, mental, emotional, spiritual — to flow between everyone and everything.
me: but there are blockages, both individual and societal, that keep it from happening. still… it’s not always clear how we solve that in practice. do we just start cuddling more?
you: i never felt touched. never had a real relationship. except long-distance ones and that never worked.
me: we’ve all had relationships of some sort or another. you and i are together now, even as you scroll down this page. what is intimacy, if not the courage to draw closer? if i see myself as collective consciousness, then i’m billions of virgins in bed with each other. i’m every footstep pressed into the soil, carried by the wind. i’m the sea splashing against every shore. and i’m more than that, and then some.
me: ¿howso?
you: because if i identify not just as this one body but as the all-encompassing self, then i must include every possible experience.
me: are you a lady?
you: both, neither.
me: what do you mean?
you: i have all the body parts! and then some…
me: you’re a human being with a soul and a body. your words are making me high, my brain just… shattering.
you: yes. welcome to me’s world.
me: and you’s too.
me: of course, i can't deny i have cravings and desires.
you: well to be fair everyone does at certain times.
me: do you think we could just ignore them?
you: what precisely would be the point of that? we’d just be denying ourself the only thing there is: this, now. for god’s sake, at least accept what is — whatever it may be. the golden rule should help: treat others how you would want to be treated — as if they were you. or better yet, treat yourself as though there were no other.
me: i always treat people with respect. but if i saw my old self, i’d warn them of everything. even though i feel like they’d still make the same mistakes.
you: maybe the point is to help our old selves and to humble ourselves before our future selves’ guidance. but maybe there’s no past or future self. it’s all just self. or maybe there is no self. in any case, help!
me: don’t you mean, self!
you: no, elf!
me: it’s about being present.
you: yeah. absolutely.
me: if you don’t mind me asking — when you meet someone you feel a deep resonance with, what stops you from pursuing it fully?
you: first thought: myself. deep self. i get thoughts that i don’t deserve them. i always think this.
me: so, a self-worth issue.
you: yeah. and hate.
me: what do you hate about yourself?
you: almost everything. my thoughts, my actions. it all feels rooted in hate. no matter what i do, it grows back.
me: interesting. i’ve felt self-hatred, self-love, and everything in between. and yet i do still struggle with self-acceptance.
you: when i remember i am love, my self-love grows. when i remember i am hate, my self-hatred grows too.
me: i just feel hate consciously. i lack words. i can’t express myself.
you: i see it as a blockage. limiting the self to just the body and the mind.
me: hopelessness drags me down. it’s been in my head so long i lose track of time.
you: maybe it’s a sense of aimlessness, like not knowing where the interaction will take you, so i don’t even bother.
me: maybe that.
you: but isn’t that fear-based? assuming connection leads to loss?
me: maybe.
you: i’ve struggled with it too. but i think it’s an illusion. if we are truly one self, there’s nothing to lose or gain. only to deepen.
me: but people don’t forgive easily. one weird thing and they exile you.
you: yeah. alienation. being called crazy or weird. i guess we’re not all comfortable with banana cream pies to the face yet.
me: but i’ve exiled myself too. it’s fear at the root. even betrayal — lies, cheating, heartbreak — maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. breaking the illusion of the smaller self so the larger self can shine.
me: oh. i understand.
you: it can be easier said than done, of course.
me: because in practice it requires a great depth of self examination.
you: so how can we make it happen?
me: meditation helps. the simple practice of cultivating open awareness to every dimension of being. allowing whatever comes to come, and whatever goes to go. if we could really let everything come and go freely, i think we’d be a lot more peaceful.
you: not forcing anything.
me: yeah, no force, no resistance. just acceptance.
you: acceptance… yeah.
me: and that’s what i think love really is. just acceptance. universal acceptance. of ourselves, of everything. and maybe after acceptance comes joy. a joy that frees us — to laugh, dance, play, cry — without being trapped by it.
you: i find that the more honest we are, the more we meet other selves who are open to that honesty. reality is a mirror.
me: maybe it’s karma.
you: maybe so. karma is just action and consequence. every action leads to now. and this action leads to whatever’s next — for me, for you.
me: i can’t wait to find out what happens next.
you: let’s find out, together ♥
